America runs on racism
Jul/091
In a shocking move, Dunkin’ Donuts has hired Amos n’ Andy as their new executive advertising team. Living in the inner city, I can see why it may be fiscally tempting to large corporations to target a large minority population. However, this can be done in good taste as we have seen in the early 20′s by several businesses:
Still, I was caught off guard when a somewhat conspicuous advertisement caught my eye in the window of a local Dunkin’ Donuts:
New Photos of Michael Jackson’s Body
Jun/093
ILLcentral.com has just recieved exclusive shocking photos of Michael Jackson’s carcass. These photos which were taken during his autopsy, show a freshly deceased Jackson. It is obvious that even from beyond the grave Jackson still remains with his iconic 80′s style; not even the onset of rigor could stop him from being dressed in his classic red leather jacket. We here at ILLcentral have all felt the sting of Jackson’s untimely death, but in all the chaos one person has been forgetten…Farrah Fawcett. Who would have thought the world would have mourned for a transraced pedophile addicted to plastic surgery, before they mourned the loss of an iconic blonde sex symbol.
high fiving cinema childhood flashbacks
Jun/090
Recall sitting circle reading time. Now picture Spike Jonze directing, Dave Eggers screenplaying and Karen O. (yeah yeah yeahs) writing ditties for this incredible upcoming 2009 release of WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE. Embrace the wave of books breaking onto the big screen. I say screw my deteriorating imagination. I like to have fantasy force fed into my brain via my eyeballs. Watch the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NOkQ4dYVaM . Arcade fire’s Wake Up in the trailer is enough to get anyone excited. Things not to look forward to: a mass market merchandise push of everything from toothbrushes to coffins.
H1N1 & A Simple Solution To The Tehran Iran Conflict
Jun/091
While illcentral’s re-birth effects millions, swine flu has conveniently stolen our spotlight, securing itself as the biggest threat to America since Tyler Perry’s “Madea Goes to Jail.” While our jealousy is apparent its important not fear the piggy sickness, but instead embrace it. After all, it is killing the two biggest nuisances in society today… geriatrics and young children. However, us 18-34 year olds return from our trips to Mexico with only a slight case of chlamydia. H1N1 is number one in my heart and should be in yours as well.
There has been much hub bub over the violent conflicts in Tehran Iran caused by shady ass elections. For some reason people think twittering about the issue will solve it… they are wrong. If I have learned one thing in my life, you must respond to violence with violence, not twitter. Now, I’m not talking just any violent solution, i’m talking about the people of Tehran recruiting the one and only John Rambo to get their point across, with large weapons and plenty of sweat.
[youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=plvtNiDTtys]
A New Chapter Is Written
Jun/090
A new chapter has begun for ILLcentral.com as of today the website which invited blogging and annoying you with terrible pointless content is back. As of today you will be able to return and find new posts from Tom, Cliff and myself, along with a few new and old surprises…without further ado…
N. Korea in all their infinite badassness has begun a pissing contest similar to that of The Cuban Missile Crisis by aiming their only nuclear missile to Hawaii. I say N. Korea goes for it, I mean whats the point of having all these nasty missiles and bombs if no one is using them. Secondly, they only have 1 missile, so obviously following their attack of Hawaii, we would unleash all Hell upon them. Lastly, I have never been to Hawaii…so I won’t miss it when it’s gone…
A solution to the MLB steroid scandal
Dec/071
What do the following men have in common?: Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Brendan Donnelly, Jose Conseco and Barry Bonds. Yes, they have all been linked to the MLB steroid investigation… but more importantly, they are all real men. There is no question that any of these guys could have single handedly destroyed the Axis of Evil. But I regress… how can we end this steroid problem and put all of the players on an even playing ground? It is simple. Legalize steroids in professional sports. I want to go to a baseball game and see absolute monsters, not some chump who spends a couple of hours in the gym. I want to be scared for my life that a player on the field may go into an uncontrollable rage and murder my family and I with the vending boy’s decapitated left leg. Legalizing these performance enhancing drugs will allow ALL players to put their lives on the line, consuming as many drugs as they want, while attempting to keep their hearts from not exploding. It is the perfect plan.
The only law, is a loaded gun
Nov/071
So it turns out that a movie was made about me. The miraculous part is that is was released two years prior to my birthing. More on this act of god later.
[youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=oJGo2rvfSuA]
the parting of the sensory, carbon’s anniversary
Nov/070
end of semester means several papers, uno presentation, and a couple of projects. a month from christmas means a christmas list and christmas shopping. instead of doing anything im supposed to be doing, i am focusing on one thing. my ipod shuffle. plans for after i graduate? graduate school? a job? marriage? fuck that. my only goal right now is to listen to my ipod on shuffle until i run out of songs. so far, as of right now, i am on song 95 out of 3047. thats a little over a weeks worth of music. a week and a day straight through. this is a huge undertaking and anyone who has attempted will know what i mean. ive attempted this feat several times before but have failed due to battery charges with my computer and/or updating songs. but now, i have a secret weapon and a plan. i will defeat you ipod shuffle. and in doing so will discover the myriad hidden songs from forgotten albums and tracks neglected by my ears. 98…here i go.
I don’t hate you because you’re fat, you’re fat because I hate you
Nov/071
So I just returned from my campus bar and thought I would add to the illcentral resurgence with a few quick thoughts. First off, I am going home tomorrow afternoon. I am expecting to be greeted by the royal family of Haverhill.
Second, I am pro-shop lifting. I encourage each and every one of you to steal, and steal frequently.
Third, when someone says “a few” that means three… not two, or four, or five, or greater than five. Cut the bullshit, word is bond.